Adventures in corporate America...

I will never again underestimate the generosity of Coporate America. I got a text message at work today. First, this is odd. No one ever really wants to get ahold of me. That's fine. I'm surly, especially during the work day. I check the message. It is from my cellular provider. They are asking I donate some cash to the tsunami relief effort.

Rad. I have already donated, but because this is a group effort and it seems like my Cellular provider is doing the whole leading the group thing, awesome. I'll hop on that boat. See? I am all charitable and shit. Then, they send me another message. And another. And another. Each of these requires me to send a reply.

Now, its free incoming messages, but I have to pay a dime for each message I send. So here's some great math:
Total donated(yes, I chose the highest amount offered): 1.99
Total spent on text messages: .40
So I spent approximately 25% on text messages as I gave to their group relief fund.

Oh so very altruistic of them.

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I was chatting with a coworker today and I claimed I had 15 people to report to on a weekly basis. I thought I was joking, just doing a little of the whole 'hyperbole' thing. Turns out I was lowballing the answer. And my friend only questioned me on one of 16 names I gave. And he relented after a minute of discussion. The reason I stopped at 16?

I was depressing him.

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With the advent of computer meeting of people, I have been hanging out on one of those things. I expect nothing but heartache and people ignoring me. Its awesome. Its also totally what happens. If I get any totally rad respones about how I am some kind of troglodyte, they will be posted here.

My life rules.

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On another note entirely, my good friend Mary has left the country. She is on her way to Paraguay for the next 2 years with the Peace Corps. I will now be following the news of that country.

But hey, Good Luck Mary, and enjoy yourself.
- posted by Pat @ 5:14 PM

 
I failed to a fairly large degree last night. I don't think I pissed off anyone. Maybe Doug. But he's always angry anyway, so I am not sure that counts. I was definetly angry, but I did not get to share it. I think I am starting to reach a level of incurring primal fear in people when I am angry. No one ever seems to get within 2 feet of me when I am good and pissed. Which, well, that bites. I could go for someone being all fucking retarded on me when I am already angry. Because that means I can vent for great justice.

I yelled at no one. I spent at least 45 minutes cleaning off the car because it hasn't stopped snowing here for days. And, well, SNOW, so, minimal inbibing. It was FREE BEER. And I couldn't ABUSE. Damn.

Although I almost got Doug slapped silly, he did not bite in the end. I can not reveal what I was trying to get Doug to do as their is still money riding on it. However, I have a plan, it will be exacted with great justice at a later date.
- posted by Pat @ 6:58 PM

 
I have a goal: piss of a bunch of fucking people tonight.
Location: North Beach terrible bar.
Why: I am a terrible human being.

Doug won a free party there. Its cheap/free booze for like an hour. I am going to exploit that to a massive degree, then stay there and do amazing things. It is possible I will ask several women, both attractive and not, to "get their freak on".

I have been moody and contemplative lately. I need to, once again, alter my personality. I will, once again, alter it with beer.

I can not think of a happier scenario.

Aside: I hate my fucking job lots and lots. I have taken steps to get fired. I am now referring to one boss as 'jackass', his boss as 'scotty' and I am ignoring the other ones. And yes, that is 'jackass' to his face.

Best. Employee. Ever.
- posted by Pat @ 4:09 PM

 
What will those Japanese think of next:

Regarding toilets in Japan I thought I should add that you can adjust the pressure of the arse cleansing water jet. It's great fun to set it to "Give me all you've got you beautiful beast you!" (loose translation) and listen to the squeals of the next occupant. No, that is fun. Honestly. On a lesser note did you also know that the seats are automatically warmed in winter, can provide a fake flushing sound at the press of a button (to cover up your own "unsoundly" noises) and offer a full testicular tickle massage?

Just, wow.

Also, I have been at my job for one year(yesterday)! I am pathetic for still being here.

Hooray!
- posted by Pat @ 5:03 PM

 
She was gone for awhile, but all is forgiven in the latest entry by that funny lady over at tomato nation.

...

I think a small part of myself has died. I am laying on my bed banging out a blog post and linking to another blog-thing. I feel as if I should be, shit, I dunno, making wild declarations about how the 'blogsphere' is so UTTERLY AMAZING. I feel, not happy, but decidedly un-angry.

The only redeeming bit to this whole scenario is that I am playing hookey from work(again). But seriously, otherwise? I think I may need to get punched in the face.
- posted by Pat @ 11:32 AM

 
The football gods have finally given Bears fans a gift this season. They mercifully did not let them make the playoffs. The announcers for today's game versus the Packers seemed genuinely angry that they were being forced to watch this game. This was completely understandable. This game was awful.

Chad Hutchinson: a terrible quarterback who should be sent back to California to either a. go surfing, or b. be an upgrade for the 49er's.

Jeff George: should have played the second half. At least see if he can still read defenses. Yes, he would have been 'rusty'. But see if the rust can be shaken off or if he is rusted through.

Jerry Angelo: can you have a miracle draft two years in a row? How much cap room can you scrape together to go after Muhsin Muhammad?

Lovie Smith: I don't know if its fair, but you need to take a hard look at Terry Shea as your offensive coordinator. He did bring in Jonathan Quinn. Can you trust his judgement? Does he know how throw the ball downfield? Why is he so enamored with trying to turn a possesion receiver, Bobby Wade, into a playmaking threat when he already has Justin Gauge, Bernard Berrian AND David Terrel? So DT can't catch a ball to save his life, GIVE HIM THE BALL ON THE END AROUND.

This was easily the ugliest football team I have ever followed. Even the U of I teams were not this ugly. They at least played like they wanted to win some games. And while I am tempted to say I am hopeful for next year, I can not. I guess I am looking forward to 2006. The new hope for the jaded sports fan of crappy, crappy teams:

The year after next.
- posted by Pat @ 2:59 PM